That’s it! I’m doing it! I’m making a grand declaration and coming out of the spiritual closet! And it… feels… AWESOME!!! <~~~ imagine Oprah singing that as if she is giving away a new car.
To some that know me, this will be no surprise. Actually, probably to most that know me. I think most have regarded me as a free-spirited hippy who lives in disguise as a responsible adult. I have built a life around an identity that I’ve created for myself that has seemed to work…somewhat… kinda sorta…until now: a cat-loving, art-wielding, emotionally philanthropic (or naive, depending on how you see it), mush ball who cried way too easily when Wilson floated away in the movie Cast Away.
Of course I cried. Wilson was his only friend, people!! C’mon.
As it turns out, I have a purpose. I have a truth. And this truth is a light that I have carried inside of me for the past 34 years and didn’t even know it. My truth has been patient and laid dormant while I kept myself occupied with a life of trying to achieve the goals and acquire the things I thought would make me happy.
I know, I know, how cliche does THAT sound?!
It really does work like that! Right at the time of my life when I should’ve been flying high on cloud 9, I actually fell into a deep depression, or what is known as the “dark night of the soul.”
On paper, this year of 2016 has been a banner year in the grand scheme of all things “Kate.” I achieved some major goals that I had believed for a long time would make me feel more complete.
- I graduated from University of Washington after going back to school at 30 to finish my degree.
- I have a stable and respectable job working as a graphic designer with reliable income and an AWESOME team of people – more like a family.
- I’m driving a newer model car that is safe, dependable, and has a few bells and whistles if that kinda thing blows your skirt up.
- I’m in a wonderfully committed, loving and fun relationship with someone who is just a joy to be around (looking at you, boo boo).
- Together we bought a house that I absolutely ADORE, finally realizing a lifelong goal.
Now don’t get me wrong – this isn’t about me bragging about how awesome is my life. It is indeed VERY awesome and I am very proud and grateful for all of the above accomplishments, as well as the work I put in to achieving them — but there is no bragging here.
I’m sharing this ego-driven all about me story line (thanks for sticking with it) to show you what my thinking has been for the majority of my life, which was basically, I have done and acquired all of these important benchmarks in the template of life. Why do I still feel so unfulfilled inside?
To give you an idea of just how ugly transformation can get, I’d like to share what my awakening looks like…
During my dark night of the soul, it got ugly. Real ugly. It looked a lot like depression. It looked a lot like me coming home from work everyday and not having any energy or interest in doing anything more than what I’ve already done. It looked a lot like arguing constantly with my beloved about the stupidest stuff. It looked a lot like me shutting down from life and wanting to crawl into a hole until it felt safe to come out again. And on the darkest night, it also looked a lot like wondering what the point of life was if I have done so much work and I still wasn’t happy.
You see, I was waking up to the fact that my life had become a very delicate balancing act. Everything in my life had be going perfectly at all times or else I would just completely lose my level of contentment. I would obsess about whatever the problem was until I either fixed it or it went away. Well… this is obviously no way to live.
You can see where this is going, right?
My soul was crying out. It was screaming, really. I knew there was more going on but I didn’t have a freakin’ clue as to what it was or how to go about finding it.
Then came the cacophony of questions:
- What is wrong with me? I thought I was happy but I’m really stressed out all the time. I am always getting sick and even have a chronic illness to deal with. Wtf?
- Will I ever be happy or is this what life is? I have done all this work in my life and on myself but I’m still not happy. Wtf?
- How do I know so many people but I don’t feel like anyone really knows me or understands me for me. Wtf?
- Why does my body hurt ALL THE TIME??
It was through this break down, this dis-ease within my life, that I was able to begin a series of questioning within myself that slowly led to more answers. It was like pulling a thread of a sweater that never actually ended. Once I started pulling the thread, more and more questions came up within myself that I felt compelled to seek the answers.
And so my journey began! Or shall I say, it continues… because there have been many lessons learned in this life and many lives lived as other incarnations that have been leading me up to this point now, much like yourself. After getting lovingly bonked on the forehead by the Universe to pay attention, it is my responsibility to myself, my Higher Self, and all that I am connected, to continue exploring, expanding, and healing along the way. This is one heck of a journey!
But enough about ME. This whole awakening is about WE.
We are waking up to our true purpose on this Earth. We are waking up to the gifts that we have belittled and repressed for most of our lifetimes that are actually intended to be used to help and heal other souls. We are being beckoned to offer our gifts, bring forth more beauty, love, peace, and joy to this Earth. We are never a lost cause. We just need to WAKE UP.
Love and light, xoxo